Introducing...

And then there were 3! 

Matteo-- our son arrived this June! 

Matteo is an italian name (if spelled with two Ts it means "Gift from God")

Here's what I know/learned in the 3 weeks I have been a mom. 

Being a mom is HARD. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life that much is for sure. 

Mad respect for Stay at home moms or anyone who is a mother in general. I really don't know how y'all do it. 

You learn real quick that when friends say "nap when the baby naps" they aren't kidding. It's the only sleep you'll get. 

You learn how to do a lot of things one handed! 

Showering happens only if your spouse is home to relieve you! haha!

I officially know what it's like to be a dairy cow (poor things) pumping isn't for the weak. 

I completely understand why moms often give up (those that do) because I've thought about it (but haven't yet) 

Having an unplanned C section IS painful. I don't care what anyone says. There is a huge difference between a planned one and a not planned one! (two different types of epidurals) 

After all the horomones, blood, sweat tears to have our son, I am so glad I went through everything to have him finally in my arms. It's been a long journey! 

36 Weeks and Nursery Reveal

I've been slacking on updating about my pregnancy journey so for those of you that are still with me, here's an update! 

I'm 36 weeks (as of yesterday) and baby boy is doing great (as far we know and what the doctor tells us) Right now he's already around 6lbs! I am worried he'll be to big to make it to the full 40 wks! We know he has a LOT of hair (as seen on many ultrasounds by our ultrasound tech gal) and he has very long limbs (Not surprising since his daddy is 6'3" and I'm 5'9") so far he's really taking after his dad with length and hair (I was born bald!) Maybe he'll get my blue eyes rather than his daddy's soft baby browns. 


I've had a lot of sciatic nerve pain which has really kicked into high gear the past few days. It's a shooting sharp pain that radiates down my left thigh. Yesterday it was so bad, it made me think of why some people in life "cut" themselves to relieve pain. That's honestly how it felt--like one would want to take a knife and just start slicing away at the leg because it hurt that bad! 

My restless leg syndrome has thankfully subsided, I have major edema when I don't wear my compression socks, so I'm still rocking those bad boys even in this 95-100 degree heat. Lord help me! So hot when outside! 

I've actually been able to sleep better the past few weeks so I am taking that blessing as I know once he's here, sleep will be a thing of the past for me! 

We've got his room situated, although and as much as I plan to use it, I know he won't be sleeping in there for a while. Here's what it looks like thus far:

Reading nook and nursing corner. :) Probaby my favorite spot in his room. 

Hoping to add a few more odds and ends to these shelves, but for now this will have to do! 

And there you have it! :) We didn't go crazy with decor, as honestly I don't feel it's beneficial as kids grow and tastes change so much! We only added things we wanted him to have as he grows up a bit! I didn't want his room to look to nursery-ish or babyish, but a room he could really grow into, as his crib will convert to a toddler bed then eventually a FULL sized bed. 

Goodbye 2nd Trimester Hello 3rd!

Bump date update! This week marks the end of my 2nd Trimester and beginning of the final stretch of pregnancy the 3rd trimester! 

We have begun to work on getting the Nursery together! We got the Crib and dresser put together and curtains hung! I have been holding off on getting much more, as many friends have told me to "wait" until we have our baby shower. 

Some things about pregnancy I had no idea would effect me the way they have....

Nose bleeds. I never get nose bleeds. Now I do. 

This is kind of a downer.

I've had sneezing allergy attacks where I have sneezed so hard blood/mucus shot out all over my shirt. Who knew that could happen? 

The overly mucus membrane stuff is kinda gross, and the part people seem to omit when they talk about pregnancy. (it does exist it's in all the books I've read!) 

Mole growth. I've already had to have 2 removed, and am going in for 2 more to be removed next month. The hormones really do make them grow exponentially. This was not something I was expecting to have to really deal with. The only upside is I'm glad they are being removed! 

RLS.

Restless leg syndrome. After I've taught a long day, I've had a really hard time getting my legs to "settle" down so to speak. They always feel like they have to constantly be moving and rubbing against something. This makes it hard to fall asleep at night. Sometimes it takes forever! Once I'm asleep it goes away. I have said that I imagine it must be similar to kids who have ADHD who aren't on meds and can't control themselves. That's what it feels like--to not be able to tell your lower half to stop moving around so much! 

Compression socks.

They really work. But man are they a pain to get on and off the farther a long you are in pregnancy. They also SUCK to wear when it's hot out and want to wear a dress but you can't since well they are hideous and show on your legs. Boooo.  

Other than that, not much else to report! I just want to make it through the school year (end of May) so I don't miss any work! 

Bumpdate update!

Pregnancy update!  As of today I'm actually 23 weeks but I don't usually take my bumpdate pic till Sunday! 

For the most part that on again off again morning sickness has subsided. When I turned 21 weeks I noticed a ton of swelling in my feet and ankles. It looked like someone had taken a baseball bat and broken my ankle it was that swollen! My husband recommended compression socks and they have completely helped me stay on my feet throughout teaching a long day! The downside, when it warms up here in month or 2, I know I won't want to wear these socks as they don't exactly go with summery dresses! 

I've also noticed that my skin feels on FIRE after I shave. This is pure misery for me since I pretty much shave every day or every other day. It's only on my legs thankfully no burning anywhere else! 

I've had a few of those insomnia nights (those blow) and very very vivid dreams. Those I could also do without. Two nights ago I thought snakes were trying to bite me! I woke up thrashing my arm over at my husband (who didn't wake haha heavy sleeper).

The snoogle pillow has been my best friend that helps me sleep.

 I am so glad I bought the overpriced thing as my pregnant friends have all said it's like the one item you must have! 

Some days I have to pee every few minutes and some days I can make it for long periods at a time. I haven't been able to go on hikes or long walks with my pup as I often as I used to since everywhere I go revolves around where or how far or how close is the nearest bathroom.

Weight gain: well here's what I know. When I started IVF meds back in May, I gained a good 15 lbs from the medications and horomones. All in all in total thus far I'm up around 26 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight. 

Baby M has anterior placenta so I only feel little flutters of movement the kicking me in the ribs hasn't quite happened yet. (From what I hear thats a small blessing bec it doesn't last that long till I can feel every jab and right hook inside me haha)

And there you have it friends! Until next time! 

Books a year in review on Goodreads!

It's no secret that I LOVE Goodreads. If you are an avid reader and aren't on there, you simply must join!

I did a big summer book review, but I thought it would be fun for you all to see the 44 books I did read during 2016!

So out of all the books I read this year, I'd say the top 5 I read were:

Find Her, The Lost Girls, Me Before You, Behind Closed Doors, & Orphan Train. All of these you can't go wrong should you chose to read them! :) 

My goal is still to try and read as much as I can before baby boy M arrives in June. I know I won't have much energy once he is here to read as feverishly as I did before! 

Any books I missed that I should read, if I haven't aready? Let me know! 

19 wks so far!

I've never done a pregnancy update post--I've read countless over the years but I forget all those little questionaire fill in the blanks that everyone always answers. I'm just going to recap/wing it for this post!

The first Trimester was a whole mesh of feelings and changes for my body. Some days I was exhausted, some days I was completely normal. 

Some days I got sick in the AM, and some mornings I didn't. 

My sense of smell was in high overdrive, I think that was the first real clue I was pregnant. I couldn't even pick up Lucy's poop some mornings had my husband not been out walking with me because I would vomit from the smell! lol 

Certain foods I LOVE, wouldn't eat or want to eat, and certain foods I'd never touch or eat I was eating! Case in point fast food. We RARELY eat anything from McDonalds and such and for a few weeks there, all I wanted for breakfast was a sasauge biscuit and hasbrown from Mc Donalds! So.Not.My.Normal.Thing. But I was going to have to go with it. It was either it something kind of not my normal, or not eat at all, and I couldn't do that! 

I have yet to see these luscious locks that some pregnant women rave about. Yeah my hair has pretty much stayed the same. 

Skin has been extra dry no matter how many layers of lotion I put on. I also have seen a really weird change in congestion in the morning. I'll leave it at that...

Now in the second Trimester, my normal eating has returned, along with an insane amount of trips to the restroom. Pretty much my day has to be thought of that if I go anywhere, is there a bathroom nearby? True. Story. I used to make it through a day of teaching only using the restroom 1-2 times a day. Yeah....now I go like 6-7 times a day! 

Gender: It's a boy! 

Name: (we chose an Italian name more to come on that soon)

I haven't been able to fit into my normal jeans starting around 16 weeks, so last week when I was 17 wks, I had to go out and buy my first pair of maternity jeans. I'm so glad I did they are so comfy! 

That's all I can think of for now! Until later friends! 

The waiting game

I know I haven't blogged in forever...with so many bloggers out there taking over, life getting in the way, etc etc sometimes it's just hard to sit down and write posts. I'm not a writer. As much as I loved English in school, I was never given the gift of writing eloquently. I am one of those who often writes as I speak.....way to many run on sentences without knowing where to properly end a sentence and start another one. Anyhow, now that I've talked about what I'm not good at, I thought I'd just write from the heart about current life situations.

As many of you know, my husband and I have struggled the past 4 years to get pregnant on our own. We've have had 2 fertility doctors, 4 failed IUIs (maybe more I've lost count to be honest) and a few days ago we completed our first and only IVF embryo transfer. 

I. am. scared. 

This is going to be the longest fall break (week off of work of my life) I actually wish I wasn't on break so I'd have work as a distraction! When my eggs were harvested a few months ago, we had been hoping a lot of eggs to freeze. Thanks to my body, I just did not respond well to the meds and only produced 6 eggs. 4 actually were mature enough, and out of the 4 only 2 got fertilized and survived. So we froze our two little embryos and prayed and prayed. 

Finally the day came (a whole cycle later since your body has to flush everything out and you have to come off of medications and hormones) and then more bad news. My lining wasn't thick enough. It had a weird texture and was shaped weird. My doctor just said no it's not good. Cue the tears. We had to push the transfer back ANOTHER few weeks. I patiently waited for my period to show up to start all over. 

Well thankfully this second time around my lining was cooperating and we were given the green light to have the transfer. It's been 3 days post transfer and I feel like a sitting duck. What if what if what if is all that is going through my mind. If this doesn't work, all that money GONE down the drain, the stress, the weight gain will have been for NOTHING. This doesn't exactly make one feel so happy. 

Everyone is pregnant around me. And I mean everyone. Some are pregnant with baby #2 some with their first and I am OLDER than most of them! Again, doesn't make me feel good at all. So many unanswered questions you just want to take a jet plane up to heaven and ask God for a one on one and ask WHY GOD WHY? What did I do or didn't do to deserve this heartache? 

Personally, I do feel I have been through enough in my life. Losing a parent at 13 was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. The years I felt angry and lost detached from God to finally in the last 5-6 years just returning to church regularly and starting to refind my faith in God and religion. I spent a lot of years angry at family, my dad for remarrying finding love with someone other than my mom, anger at God for taking her away. Years of stumbling financially on my own. Not asking for help is a really hard thing to do. I am so grateful I haven't been alone in this infertility journey. My husband has been my rock, my protector, my confidant, my best friend, my everything. As heartbreaking as it may turn out, I at least know that we have been strong enough to withstand the storm thus far, that we can weather the storm even if it means no children for us. 

And so now, I wait, till the dreaded day comes where I get to go in for a blood draw to find my fate. (sorry to sound so morbid) but I am just so used to fearing for the worst since we've had SO MANY BUMPS along the way. 

Infertility

I've struggled to find the words to write this post for months now. We've all seen it. The bombardment of social media in your face look at this read this of pictures and posts. The dark side is the side of feeling sad and depressed when viewing all the pregnancy, births, first birthday posts that we see on IG or FB of other friends and families happy announcements. While most of my friends have between 1-3 kids and more on the way, I struggle to even get pregnant once. No miscarriages no nothing. 

So what is undiagnosed infertility mean? It means that two fertility doctors can't find a rhyme or a reason as to why we can't seem to get pregnant. In every woman a healty egg is not always released, does not always pick up the egg, the sperm does not always fertilize that egg, and a healthy embryo is not always formed. Increasing the number of eggs released, through fertility drugs and the number of sperm to meet the eggs, through IUI enhances fertility in a given cycle but doesn't guarantee success.  Over the last 3 years we have done countless tests, IUIs, you name it. There's only one option left. IVF. The dreaded oh so expensive procedure that doesn't even guarantee a baby out of the whole thing. I've already gained 12 lbs in 3 years from all the fertility meds I've been on. It's been depressing. 

A few months ago my husband's sister announced she and her fiance' are expecting their first child which hit us hard seeing how my husband is the oldest child in his family he always thought he'd get to be the first to give his mom a grandbaby. 

The endless questioning of WHY NOT ME? WHY NOT US? What is God trying to say to us? My whole life, I have always been told that I would make a great mom. I've heard this more times than I can count. I've been everyone else's go to babysitter since I was 11 years old. I've always been good with kids. Even my former Principal upon my first year of teaching for him said I'm surprised you aren't a mom you'd make a great one! The kids love you! It's hard not to wonder well if I'm so great, why is this so difficult to become a parent? 

Aside from the cost of in vitro, there's the religion factor which really concerns my hubby. He's Catholic, and the catholic religion doesn't believe in IVF. So what will it mean if we go ahead and do it, regardless of it being wrong and against our religion? Has anyone else dealt with a religion barrier in all of this? 

Then there's the time factor....As in time is running out slowly. I'm 33 about to be 34 this summer. Women's eggs start to become "bad" and no good around the age of 37-38. It's been one hurdle after another. Am I only destined to be a fur momma? Maybe I am. I don't know what is God's will at the moment. 

If you've read all of this, congrats, as many have probably given up on my blog postings as have I over the months. 

Happy Fall!

Hubs and I drove up to flagstaff to escape the 90 degree heat yesterday. It was just a day trip but just what we needed to see the leaves and feel the cooler temps that Flagstaff has to offer! 

We had intended to hike around a place called Lockett Meadow, but it was so packed they only let in 50 cars to park instead of the usual 100 and we just didn't want to waste our day sitting in a car waiting for hikers to come back to their cars for us to be able to park. So we scratched that idea, and decided to go and check out the Arizona Snowbowl. 

Behind every happy couple lies to people who have fought hard to overcome all obstacles and all interference to be that way. Why? Because it's what they wanted. If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.

Waking up is the hardest part

I'm not really sure how I am making it through these rough days. I have cried more and more each day and I just wonder how I have any tears left. It has been pretty unbearable coming home to our house from work each day. Yesterday after working out at the gym, my husband and I sat in my car in the gym parking lot debating if we wanted to go home because we just dreaded opening the front door and entering into a home of complete silence. No bark, no little jingle bell on her harness to great us. My heart is just so heavy. Sharing John Mayer's song felt very fitting. Aspen's normal vet called me at work today, and I have to admit as difficult as a conversation as it was, I am really feeling a little better hearing her tell me that she would of done the same thing. And from what she saw on the X rays or doctor's notes, that the surgery would of been to risky and we probably would of lost Aspen during the operation. She feels we did the most humane thing, which still leaves me without her and hurts so much, but I am trying so hard to comes to terms that she is in a better place. It just isn't easy.

 I have very sweet friends and neighbors that dropped off these flowers and sweet little succulent plants for us. It's calming to know that certain people do care, and the people you least expect will do things for you. Today the two first grade teachers gave me these flowers and had each and every single one of their kiddos give me a big hug. of course that made me cry of course. Kids hugs, esp the kids that know you are feeling down, really do help.

2015

 

I have felt very guilty for neglecting this little old blog of mine. Truth be told, I just really felt like I had run out of things to say or write about. I am relieved that 2014 is over. It was a little bit of a bumpy ride there towards the end. Here's to smoother sailing in 2015! I am not one to makes new years resolutions, but if I had to really hone in on things that I'd like to work on, here's my list:


1. Less mindless social media surfing. 

2. MORE reading. I was short only a few books of my goodreads reading challenge and I’ll be
dang if I let that happen again this year! I was able to squeeze in 1 book over Christmas
break! This year’s reading list/goal is 25 books I think. 

3. I’d like to be more consistent with working out at least 4 times a week , There are some days where teaching just wipes me out, and it’s a war against myself to convince myself to go after a hard days work. 

4. I’d also like to save more money, and not get sucked into all the fashion instagrammers who make me feel like I must own everything they wear. Life is not a competition, and let’s face it, I ‘m a teacher on a salary that is never going to get a raise, so reality is it is wise not to try and compete. Things are just things, and and the end of the day, if my home burnt down, none of those “things” would matter.

Fertility Update

I wish I had amazing news to share, but I don't. Infact it's just another day for me and the hubs when it comes to the baby making business. We Got the green light from having that procedure I had done back in May to start trying again. Given our turbulent moving situation (AZ to OH back to AZ) needless to say I've been pretty stressed and neither of us really were "Into" really trying hard core so to speak. 

I noticed last month I had to short of a luteal phase which really bummed me out since you can't get pregnant with to short of a window. This month I went 12 days after ovulation before my period decided to show up. (It was 5 days early) 

Disappointed we both are, and are eager to get back to our doctor to see what's next for us, since clearly the on our own thing hasn't worked for us. (Over a year and a half of trying) 

Of course there are all the emotions of feeling mad/sad/envious as I scroll through my instagram feed and see all my "friends" real life and just insta friends are all knocked up, expecting etc etc...Of course I am genuinely happy for them, because that's the kind of person I am. But in the same fleeting feeling, I can't help but ask God, why not me? Am I to selfish of a person to be a mom? Is there a reason why God doesn't want me to have a baby? Would I not be a good mother? As I tell my students all the time, life's hard, wear a helmet. But sometimes no matter how padded that helmet is, you still feel a little bit of the pain. I had no idea that trying to have a baby would be so hard. I spend the last 10 years trying to NOT ruin my life, and can't help but wonder if all those years on the pill have ruined me for the future? 

Such a tough spot to be in. Well, that's my baby making update. What's new with everyone else? 

So long Arizona, Hello Ohio!

After 9 glorious years in AZ, my husband has taken a job relocating us back to his home state of Ohio. Oh Ohio. We have such a love hate relationship. Sans Snow. Sans humidity. Sans many overcast days. I thought long ago to myself "Hey I did my time 4/1/2 years of college here was plenty!" Eh wrong! Somewhere into the journey of growing up, having my own job, getting married, being a fur momma (and all other adult responsibilities that come along with it) I got the gentle reminder about family and how important it is to have family around you.

By relocating back to Ohio, my hubby is able to be reunited with his family, and what is now my family! I've always been a loner with my folks not living in AZ and my brother also living in a different state, I've never given to much thought as to not having family around me. I thought it was normal. As we age, and in hopes of starting our own family, we knew that having family around needed to happen. The good thing if my hubby and his career in the medical field is his ability to bounce around pretty easily. Me in the teaching career however is not so easy!!

I've already taken all the necessary steps into getting my teaching certificate to transfer over, but finding the job bit esp as a special area teacher is no easy task! 

I don't know how many readers I have in the Cleveland area, but if any of you know of an opening for an art teacher, please let me know! It's very difficult to get a leg up when I am an outsider coming in to this city. I think all my posts and pictures on my blog speak for my integrity and passion I have for my job! :) 

The Everyone is pregnant post, and you're not

I must have had this saved in my draft box at least 2 months now, wanting to talk about it, but then again asking my self why bother? Blogging has really really become almost a thing of the past. Most bloggers hardly blog anymore, and those who read it DONT take any time to comment. Seriously. Check out comments from years ago on my older posts, to now. And it's not just my blog. Some other high traffic blogs are experiencing the same decline. 



Anyhow, where were we? Oh yeah, the post where I talk about how Mister Wonderful and I have been at this trying to make a baby business for a year now, and NOTHING has happened. 

I think we started off like most couples do, you quit the birth control and fall into the "lets just see what happens" category. That was a year ago this February. 

Around July of 2013, we began buying ovulation kits to know when I was and wasn't ovulating. Who knew that you seriously have like a 48 hour window to get pregnant. Seriously that's it folks! All about that timing of that egg being released I suppose! 

In December of 2013 I was given Clomid, in hopes to make me ovulate sooner in my cycle. I for some reason would ovulate then seriously 4 days later get my period. For any of you newbies out there, this means I had to short of a window to get pregnant. Not enough time for the whole attaching to the uterus lining thing. 

Here we are now in Feb 2014, and nothing still has happened. I've been told by my doc that I'm healthy--the right weight, I'm active I don't smoke, don't drink get lots of sleep. I ovulate so what's the deal? I'm suppose to complete one more round of Clomid before they want to do a dye test on my tubes to see if there is any blockage. 

Has anyone else gone through all these hoops? Any success or failures? 

Hubs is 33 I'm 31 and hence why so much "effort" has gone into trying in the past year. We aren't old at all to have a kid, but once 38 hits, it's much harder to have a healthy baby. 

Weekend Fun

Anyone ever have a girls night at a Brush Bar? It was my first time painting for my self in YEARS! I haven't painted anything for me since 2005. I still have the painting in my classroom that sits unfinished. So many people ask, why don't you make art for you? To put it simply, teaching wipes me out. Any creative juices left at the end of the day usually aren't enough for me to do anything artsy for myself. 

This was my casual friday getup. My hair was pretty dirty. I didn't get the chance wash it Friday morning and I walked out the door with no make up on either. Gross! LOL 

So here's the brush bar in Scottsdale, AZ. I had a good time! 

 

My clean slate.

My second time wearing a painted apron for the day. Mine is much cuter in my classroom--has cupcakes on it! :) 

Painting for me was was not as easy as one would think! When it comes to my art for ME, I am very Type A (to an extent)

It was later revealed to the class since so many asked about my painting that I am an art teacher full time. People commented "yours look so much like the real starry night!" Well uh if I had a dollar how much I had to stare at that painting each year I'd be rich! LOL 

Day 2 of 2014

Hope everyone had a safe and happy new years eve! I didn't take to many pictures at the gathering I went to simply because I ended up leaving early to head home early! I must be getting old.

Or I simply just don't feel the need or see the point in being up past 2am anymore.

The theme of the NYE party I was invited to was "comfy or pajama party." The reason being was that my friends. the hosts of the party, had just flown in from IL to AZ that morning so they wanted to be comfortable as well, esp in their own home! 

This is what I came up with as my "comfy" but cute outfit

My lacedhair extensions made their second debut out for the special holiday!

Everyone was asked to bring a dessert or appetizer, and every year I bring the same thing since these are such a hit with guests. Cheesecake stuffed strawberries.

It was my first time playing Cards Against Humanity. Which if you've ever played Apples to Apples, it's the same thing only the X rated version of the game. 
We had fun. I don't know which game I like more, this one, or the Apples to Apples.

I hda to take a picture of my friend's cute little new year sign. :) 

As much fun as it's been being home to relax, I am glad that work resumes on Monday, as I miss my routine and have so much to dive into once school starts back up. Big art show in February will be here before I know it, and I have to get my students crackin' on their projects!

How was your NYE spent? Stay at home? Go out?