The waiting game

I know I haven't blogged in forever...with so many bloggers out there taking over, life getting in the way, etc etc sometimes it's just hard to sit down and write posts. I'm not a writer. As much as I loved English in school, I was never given the gift of writing eloquently. I am one of those who often writes as I speak.....way to many run on sentences without knowing where to properly end a sentence and start another one. Anyhow, now that I've talked about what I'm not good at, I thought I'd just write from the heart about current life situations.

As many of you know, my husband and I have struggled the past 4 years to get pregnant on our own. We've have had 2 fertility doctors, 4 failed IUIs (maybe more I've lost count to be honest) and a few days ago we completed our first and only IVF embryo transfer. 

I. am. scared. 

This is going to be the longest fall break (week off of work of my life) I actually wish I wasn't on break so I'd have work as a distraction! When my eggs were harvested a few months ago, we had been hoping a lot of eggs to freeze. Thanks to my body, I just did not respond well to the meds and only produced 6 eggs. 4 actually were mature enough, and out of the 4 only 2 got fertilized and survived. So we froze our two little embryos and prayed and prayed. 

Finally the day came (a whole cycle later since your body has to flush everything out and you have to come off of medications and hormones) and then more bad news. My lining wasn't thick enough. It had a weird texture and was shaped weird. My doctor just said no it's not good. Cue the tears. We had to push the transfer back ANOTHER few weeks. I patiently waited for my period to show up to start all over. 

Well thankfully this second time around my lining was cooperating and we were given the green light to have the transfer. It's been 3 days post transfer and I feel like a sitting duck. What if what if what if is all that is going through my mind. If this doesn't work, all that money GONE down the drain, the stress, the weight gain will have been for NOTHING. This doesn't exactly make one feel so happy. 

Everyone is pregnant around me. And I mean everyone. Some are pregnant with baby #2 some with their first and I am OLDER than most of them! Again, doesn't make me feel good at all. So many unanswered questions you just want to take a jet plane up to heaven and ask God for a one on one and ask WHY GOD WHY? What did I do or didn't do to deserve this heartache? 

Personally, I do feel I have been through enough in my life. Losing a parent at 13 was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. The years I felt angry and lost detached from God to finally in the last 5-6 years just returning to church regularly and starting to refind my faith in God and religion. I spent a lot of years angry at family, my dad for remarrying finding love with someone other than my mom, anger at God for taking her away. Years of stumbling financially on my own. Not asking for help is a really hard thing to do. I am so grateful I haven't been alone in this infertility journey. My husband has been my rock, my protector, my confidant, my best friend, my everything. As heartbreaking as it may turn out, I at least know that we have been strong enough to withstand the storm thus far, that we can weather the storm even if it means no children for us. 

And so now, I wait, till the dreaded day comes where I get to go in for a blood draw to find my fate. (sorry to sound so morbid) but I am just so used to fearing for the worst since we've had SO MANY BUMPS along the way.