08 October 2016

The waiting game

I know I haven't blogged in forever...with so many bloggers out there taking over, life getting in the way, etc etc sometimes it's just hard to sit down and write posts. I'm not a writer. As much as I loved English in school, I was never given the gift of writing eloquently. I am one of those who often writes as I speak.....way to many run on sentences without knowing where to properly end a sentence and start another one. Anyhow, now that I've talked about what I'm not good at, I thought I'd just write from the heart about current life situations.

As many of you know, my husband and I have struggled the past 4 years to get pregnant on our own. We've have had 2 fertility doctors, 4 failed IUIs (maybe more I've lost count to be honest) and a few days ago we completed our first and only IVF embryo transfer. 

I. am. scared. 

This is going to be the longest fall break (week off of work of my life) I actually wish I wasn't on break so I'd have work as a distraction! When my eggs were harvested a few months ago, we had been hoping a lot of eggs to freeze. Thanks to my body, I just did not respond well to the meds and only produced 6 eggs. 4 actually were mature enough, and out of the 4 only 2 got fertilized and survived. So we froze our two little embryos and prayed and prayed. 

Finally the day came (a whole cycle later since your body has to flush everything out and you have to come off of medications and hormones) and then more bad news. My lining wasn't thick enough. It had a weird texture and was shaped weird. My doctor just said no it's not good. Cue the tears. We had to push the transfer back ANOTHER few weeks. I patiently waited for my period to show up to start all over. 

Well thankfully this second time around my lining was cooperating and we were given the green light to have the transfer. It's been 3 days post transfer and I feel like a sitting duck. What if what if what if is all that is going through my mind. If this doesn't work, all that money GONE down the drain, the stress, the weight gain will have been for NOTHING. This doesn't exactly make one feel so happy. 

Everyone is pregnant around me. And I mean everyone. Some are pregnant with baby #2 some with their first and I am OLDER than most of them! Again, doesn't make me feel good at all. So many unanswered questions you just want to take a jet plane up to heaven and ask God for a one on one and ask WHY GOD WHY? What did I do or didn't do to deserve this heartache? 

Personally, I do feel I have been through enough in my life. Losing a parent at 13 was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. The years I felt angry and lost detached from God to finally in the last 5-6 years just returning to church regularly and starting to refind my faith in God and religion. I spent a lot of years angry at family, my dad for remarrying finding love with someone other than my mom, anger at God for taking her away. Years of stumbling financially on my own. Not asking for help is a really hard thing to do. I am so grateful I haven't been alone in this infertility journey. My husband has been my rock, my protector, my confidant, my best friend, my everything. As heartbreaking as it may turn out, I at least know that we have been strong enough to withstand the storm thus far, that we can weather the storm even if it means no children for us. 

And so now, I wait, till the dreaded day comes where I get to go in for a blood draw to find my fate. (sorry to sound so morbid) but I am just so used to fearing for the worst since we've had SO MANY BUMPS along the way. 


  1. Praying for nothing but the best for you! Waiting is the toughest but God already knows. Just take it easy and continue for favor.

  2. I am praying for you and your husband! You have been through so much, and bless you for having the courage to write about it. I just lost my father, and at my age (early 40's) it was a pain I never felt before. I am sad that you were so young losing your mom, going through that kind of loss and pain is unbearable for a teen. But you have come so far! Don't lose hope, take care of yourself and I pray this IVF works for you. Thank you for writing about your journey.

  3. I will say a prayer for you. *hugs*

  4. wow. praying for you, beauty! i can't believe how many years i have loved following you via blog or other form of social media. and i really enjoy the way you write, honestly and stream of thought! i will definitely be thinking of you!! xoxoxo

  5. sending you millions of positive vibes! i know how hard this 2WW is!!

  6. I really love when you post. Don't worry about not being a writer, you post from the heart and that is what makes your blog special.

    A dear friend struggled with infertility for five years and underwent many many IVF rounds. She is FINALLY preggo now, so please try not to give up hope b/c pregnancy CAN happen!

    Sometimes drawing near to God in times of hardship can be so difficult. Do you have a Christian friend that you could talk to? That is so helpful. God is waiting to comfort you, but you have to let Him.

    Thank you for sharing your life with us. I also follow you on insta and I really enjoy all your art posts. You are such a creative teacher and I think you are inspiring a lot of children. You are the kind of teacher that leaves her mark on her students.

    I will pray for you and your husband. hugs!

  7. I have been thinking about you lately and hoping for an update either here or on snapchat. I don't think you deserve to go through this either (or does any woman really!) and I pray so hard for you that this will work out. Thinking of you! I hope you update me when you find out. Hugs!

  8. I love your honesty - even though I know it's so hard to struggle with this journey. Thinking of you and I pray for the best for your family! It's so hard to keep the faith during a time of struggle. The things people say - God has a plan, etc. - although true, don't always offer comfort. But I do know that HE IS FAITHFUL. His timing is better than ours. I worried about being a "late bloomer" too with getting married later than my friends and all that. I hope that you can keep your mind busy this week and get through this next phase! XOXO

  9. I've been thinking about you and your results, hoping for nothing but the best for you both!

  10. Hi there! I'm a long time follower and just was thinking of you! I'm not sure if you have the results yet but I'm praying for you either way! :)


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