26 July 2012

When "friends" are no longer so called friends anymore

The only danger in Friendship is that it will end. -- Henry David Thoreau

I never thought I'd lose my childhood best friend. The girl who I stood as her Maid of Honor in her wedding. The girl that climbed monkey bars with me and walked her dog when I walked my dog, down the street to hang out. The girl that swore we'd be in each others weddings no matter what. 

One might ask, where is all this stemming from?

Two days ago, I was watching Joel Osteen on T.V. Now mind you, I don't usually watch preachers preach on TV, after all I do attend church every Sunday! 

What caught me, was the quick little blurb that I heard him say. I then found myself sitting there for 30 min listening to his sermon. 

#545, Give the Gift of Yourself
Sometimes life gets busy, and it’s easy to put off connecting with those we love or show appreciation to others because we “don’t have the time.”

In this message, Joel reminds us that James 4:14 says our life is like a vapor. Life is short, and we don’t know what tomorrow holds. That’s why we need to make the most of each day. If you will learn to give the best of yourself consistently, you will live life with no regrets.

* The above blurb is taken from His website

Here's the clip that totally caught me and really hit me hard. 


Sorry there is no direct video link you have to actually copy this link and go to his page to watch it. I highly recommend you do! It was very moving! 

I feel saddened as I have hit 30, because so many of my "friends" have changed. I know I have changed too, but not in the sense of KEEPING IN TOUCH. I feel like people just get so self absorbed that they really don't care if they leave you hanging. Literally. 

I mean I get it. life moves on.
People get married, parents retire, responsibilities at work increase, kids arrive, priorities change. They all demand time. Does this affect friendships? Yes and No. You still care. You still feel connected whenever you get talking, whenever you meet. But, you don’t meet often and you don’t get to talk often. Which is again okay.
It’s when you realize that you are the one who always calls, that it’s not okay. It’s when you realize that you are the one who always sends a IM, that it’s not okay. It’s when you start thinking before sending a IM, that it’s not okay. It probably means we have moved on. Does it? 

I caved and wrote an email to my so called "best friend" letting her know how difficult it was even for me to confront her on how "one sided" our so called "best friendship" has/had become. I'm probably crazy for doing it 7 days before my wedding. No one needs drama before their big day right? I just had this gut feeling that I needed to tell her NOW or never. 

Long story short, my "best friend" and I have really lost a lot of touch in the last year. For me, I felt a huge change the day AFTER she was married! Our "communication" became less and less. A few times I would just start off the opening sentence in an email to her stating, "Are you alive?" or, "I never hear from you." She lives back in IL, and I'm here in AZ. She recently had her first child in Nov, and since then, you could really say she has become non existent to me. I feel like I've done everything on my behalf to try to keep in touch! 
The last time I was home (Last July) I drove 50 minutes in a borrowed car to get together for a quick dinner with her. The whole time we were there I could just "feel" like she was antsy to get on her "way". Feeling this way really hurts. 

When is it time to let a "friendship go"? Was I right to throw in the towel right back at her? Using a phone or email is a two way street. I feel so sad about this. I never thought she'd NOT be there for me getting married. 




  1. I totally know what you mean. I have been on both sides of this dilemma. I lost touch with my best friend after I got married, and I have friends that stopped contact with me after they got married and had kids. It's a sad thing. I always thought "it's a two way street." If they wanted to talk to me, wouldn't they call me? but then I think, I want to talk to them, but I don't call them either. Then we finally get in touch and start calling/texting/hanging out, we do it for a few weeks or months and then all of a sudden lose touch again, for months or even years! Wth! My best friend from high school, who was my maid of honor, didn't even come to my baby shower, that was so sad to me. So what I really wanted to say, is that this is the time when I'm letting that friendship go, Im done with her. I think I did all I could to save the friendship. So I hope this helps!

  2. As a parent it can be difficult to find time to talk, text, or hangout with friends but I always try to make time even if it's for 10 minutes. Yes you guys live in different states but she can also make an effort in keeping in touch. But if you've tried to communicate with her and you've gotten nothing in return then I would also throw in the towel and give up.

  3. I definitely share your feelings. I often feel this way with many of my so called "friends". A lot of my friends moved away for college, while I stayed back home. With them being at college they made new friendships and while we started out keeping in touch, I could count less than a handle of "friends" that I now keep in touch with. There were definitely a few where I felt how you did, I would ALWAYS be the one to call, or to text, or message and try to hang out. After a while, I got sick of feeling like I was putting so much into the relationship that I just let it go. While I still love each of them, I cannot make myself unhappy in a friendship like that.

    I think you are really brave for letting your friend know how you feel, but I think it is good to let her know that way she can either try to make it better, or if she doesnt, atleast you know that YOU did all you could to make it better! :) sorry this is so long lol

  4. I just went through this exact same thing with one of my best friends, I told her how I felt and was devastated when she ignored me. Months later I blogged about how hurt I was, apparently she read it and told everyone " some folks just ain't worth missing." I was devastated by her response and cried my self to sleep. I've started reading a book called "When Friendship Hurts" so far it's made me feel less alone and has helped put me at ease.
    I am so sorry that you're going through this, I know I don't know you but I am here if you need to vent.
    Take Care,

  5. I think you were right and the timing actually couldn't be better. You want your wedding day to be shared with people who want to be there. If she has made no effort to keep in touch with you, it would seem like she doesn't want to be a part of your life. Having kids isn't a good excuse for not keeping in touch with people...I have two and I talk to my best friends every day (both live in another state)...even if my kids are screaming bloody murder in the background... Sometimes God takes people out of your life for a reason... Keep your head up and I hope you have an amazing wedding!

  6. I know the feeling. People change. I hate that I have become that person, but I barely have time for anything. We have three kids and some of my friends have none. We have no family around to watch our kids so every event costs us so much in babysitting that it becomes so easy to just stay in and miss the girly get togethers. I am not taking up for your "friend" by any means. I don't even know what her situation is, but working, rasing three kids, taking care of my husbanc and my house has caused me to lose touch with many friends and it does sadden me, but I can only so so much in a day. This post will cause me to text a few friends tonight though. So sorry about this! BUT HEY... YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!

  7. I'm going through something similar... My best friend is suppose to be my MOH next year but we barely talk anymore -- but I try. I call and text her all the time to see if she wants to hang out. The other day I finally talked to her. She mentioned something about her best friend (not me) in the conversation. Then she mentioned about how her and her boyfriend are thinking about marriage, have been looking at houses, and she ALREADY went off her birth control. I don't even know this girl anymore.

    It's sad how things can change.

  8. That is/was one of my biggest fears. I still have not decided if mine will be standing up at my wedding. I am not convinced we will be friends for life. She is married with one child already so I can relate to you for sure. So what did she respond with? was she supposed to go to hawaii?

  9. I have been in this same position, my best friend and I went to different colleges and that's what started our separation. I tried my hardest to keep the friendship and it did totally feel one-sided. I would go visit her on the weekend, or try to make plans with her for our spring break or Christmas break and she wasn't interested. After a while of trying, I just gave up and she didn't reach out either. It's sad, but maybe we both moved on for a reason, and now when I see her on Facebook I see that maybe we werent the same people we thought we were. It's hard but keep your chin up girl, at least you know you tried your best and that's all you can do!

  10. that's so sad. i'm so sorry to hear that this is happening. cut your losses and move on, you'll find a new girlfriend and make new memories :D

  11. I've so been there and it totally sucks. I'm like you and want to give ONE LAST chance and that helps me. Maybe she feels the same way, [not correctly of course] and didn't know how to talk to you about it. That happened to me and I was able to patch up a friendship, even though it was hard to hear the harsh words that were said.

    I've also completely lost touch with friends because they don't want or need me in their life anymore and that really sucks. I hope that you get whatever answer you need or want before your wedding to keep it from affecting you.

    It is your day! You are gonna be gorgie and it will be fab!!!!


  12. I am going through the same thing and also can't decide which way to go. My theory is , that if they cant make an effort... I don't need them. Friends are supposed to be there for you when you need them, not when they want too. You are about to have your big day and marry your best friend, so don't let her ruin your day.

  13. I've dealt with this recently, with someone I considered a good friend. She kept flaking out on me and changing plans we had made. It all came to a head one weekend when she was supposed to make the short drive and come visit...she just didn't show up. Ignored phone calls and such. We finally talked to her and she hadn't had the guts to tell us she couldn't come because of "financial reasons, it wasn't a long weekend, etc." and it really pissed me off. It all comes down to priorities. If they aren't making you one of theirs, you should not make them one of yours. It's hard, and it really hurts your heart. But at the same time, you can't keep hurting yourself over and over. Good luck :)

  14. I recently lost 2 of my best friends this year. One was to alcohol, she ultimately chose that path over staying friends with me. The other chose her boyfriend. These are girls that I have known my who I have seen at their worst, been there through some really tough and happy times. It saddens me everyday, but ultimately I know I tried my best. It was their decision. As long as I know there was nothing else more that I can do I can only move on. It's the only way to go. I never used to believe my mom when she said by the time I hit 30, I will not be friends with anyone from high school any more. I made it to 29 and thought I was going to make it, I was wrong.

    I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, it's tough. I luckily have a set of college girlfriends that I am just as close with. I don' know what I'd do if I didn't have them.

  15. Ugh I feel you so much on this I hadn't talked to one of my good well best friends in a few years because of a falling out so the last year we ran into each other and she was tellingme about her wedding plans but nothing came of it she told me that I am too sensitive and that I shouldn't get my feelings hurt over what happened but it's a slap in the face to finally tell her how I felt and her to rejects those feelings.
    With my wedding coming up soon I feel that I really want to reach out to her too but I dont know if it's worth it. But Im so hurt by it on a daily basis of not having her in my life im not sure what to do. What did she write back to you with? Hopefully she responded to you.

  16. I have a "friend" who I used to be BEST FRIENDS with like WOAH! In hs we were basically attached at the hip. We graduated and we went our different ways. I reached out to her to reconnect and we got close again. We stayed close like that for a few years and then I got married and life started to change for me and I had to focus on things going on in my life. She did not understand this. She would constantly play the oh woe is me card and tell me that I was not making time for her and that I was a horrible friend when in fact I was the one who was always txting or calling or emailing or facebooking first. I would ask her to do things and she would tell me that she couldnt do this or that. Ok no problem! I laid off. We kinda lost touch again and then got back in touch AGAIN. We live only a 45 minute drive away. I am more than willing to make the drive when I can. I work full time 45-60 hours a week PLUS teach at my gym, She is a teachers aid and does not work full time. On top of me having my full time job and my teaching job at the gym I have my two puppies at home who need my attention to let them out and feed them. She will call me or txt me LAST MINUTE at 7pm to see if I want to hang out at 7:30 that night. I cant just drop what I am doing when she calls yet she tells me that I am the one who NEVER makes time for her. I am the one who has let our friendship go. REALLY? She also seems to forget that I have a mortgage and bills to pay for and expects me to take days off work when she wants me to to do things with her. I have gotten to the point with this "friendship" that I just dont want to even bother anymore. I feel bad but its life. So yeah I totally feel what you are going through!

  17. Wow, this happened to me literally two weeks ago. One of my best friends hadn't called me in a year (I was testing her because she never calls first). She finally saw me at a friend's party and acted like nothing was wrong. She then texted me to have a get together. Long story short we talked on the phone and I just let it all out that I couldn't believe she let a year go by. She gave me some excuses, all that I've heard before. She's hurt my other best friend as well with the same type of thing. I go back and forth on whether I should try harder to maintain this friendship that we've had since high school, or let her just drift away completely since she's so good at that. It's a tough call.

  18. Same thing happened to me, only I confronted my "best friend" (and bridesmaid) after my bachelorette weekend together. We both decided it would be best for her to not be in my wedding anymore because it was very apparent after the weekend together that our friendship had changed so much. She gave me her dress back and I ended up asking a friend I had grown so close to over the year. It was the best/hardest decision I had ever made. I haven't kept in touch ever since with my old friend, but we just dont have anything in common anymore, and I think it was best we walked away. It was sad, but necessary.

  19. she will call you back it may not be today or tomorrow but she will.. if she truly is a friend she will and she will feel horrible about what she has done... maybe she really has been just "caught" up in her life... but if she was ready for it to be over then i am glad you done it!! what did she say when you sent her the email?

  20. I went thru a similar situation last year with a best friend of over 10 years. Its SO hard and I still think about her and yes, i stalk her on fb still (weirdly neither of us unfriended each other). I think you did the right thing in confronting her. When i was in my situation, my therapist had told me to write her a letter, and not send it. Once we sat down and talked about the letter, she said, that if it made me feel better to send it, then i should. Because at that point, i didn't have anything to lose. The girl was already pulling away, and that would be the make it or break it point in our friendship. It totally sucks when you lose friends, but i honestly think that you should put your efforts in someone that's going to do the same.

  21. Losing a good friend is so hard. But if she's not being a good friend to you anymore, then you really have to decide if its worth it.Do you still want to keep up the effort of being her friend or are you just feeling nostalgic because your wedding is approaching and she's not going to be there?

  22. I can completely empathise with you. I have gone through this same situation (minus the weddings and children), and it is confusing and hurtful. Ultimately though, friendship isn't and shouldn't feel like an obligation or a chore. True friends will always make time for you. Growing apart or ending a friendship doesn't devalue the past or your memories, it simply means that we make time for the people and experiences that make us happy and feed our soul. Sometimes this means moving on. Go with what your heart tells you. Maybe leave the door open for future contact, but don't place so much pressure on yourself to be the one to keep the friendship going. She may realise that she misses you and reach out. Either way, do what is in your heart, and let your happiness be what's important.

  23. I, along with all the other lovely ladies, can totally relate to this. When I went to college I met some of the most amazing woman who taught me what a true 2 sided friendships means. I lost touch with a high school best friend because I saw the light. I was always making the effort. She let our friendship go and I just allowed it to sink, knowing that it was generally one sided. She lived at home and commuted to college which allowed her to strengthen her friendships with those who stayed in town. I haven't seen her in 3 years and probably haven't talked to her since last October. She recently messaged me and wants to catch up. I am going into it knowing what I should expect from a true, real friendship. <3


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