Heart forever broken

It is with deep saddness that I share with any of you who even still read my blog, that last night we had to make life changing decision to let our sweet little Aspen girl go to heaven. 

It was very unexpected. Friday morning she woke up trembling and was very uncomfortable. You know when dogs try to burrow to get comfortable? She was doing that over and over and over again. I stayed home from work and a few minutes later she seemed to have calmed down and our day went on of nap time and laying outside in the grass. 

this is the last photo I took of her on Friday after her scary morning of breathing weird. She appears so happy and content doing what she loved, lying in the grass. 

Saturday morning hubby and I went to the gym aroun 9:30 and returning around 11:30 we found Aspen in the same state as friday morning shaking and trembling. Her breathing was awful. We rushed her to the emergency 24hr vet clinic which is thankfully right down the street from where we live. From Noon till 7 seven pm we were in shock of finding out from an Xray, that our sweet little baby girl had some calcium tumor that was either in her lung or right next to her lung and heart. Given the location of this mass, and Aspen's age, (she was only 4 days from turning 9 years old) we were left with 2 options. Operate on her, costing us up to 6k for this extremely risky chest surgery, which wouldn't guarantee she'd survive the surgery or if they would even be able to remove the mass since they weren't even really able to tell us if it was in her lung or to close to her heart. Or option B, humanely send her to doggy heaven. 

It was never about the money for a second. If the surgery would of costed us 10k we would of paid it, but it was about the fact that she was a little old for such a risky surgery and it was to big of a risk to take knowing she could die from the surgery since it was in such a bad place to operate on in her small little body. 

All I could see was my baby struggling to breathe. It was like she was constantly out of breath for the entire 6 hours she was there. I felt powerless. I couldn't make her better. There was only one thing to do. I'll never forget holding her in my arms telling her how much I loved her. Seeing my husband bawl as she licked his face one last time. And just like that, she was "sleeping" and then they made her little heart stop beating. 

I don't think my hubby and I slept a wink last night. I've cried non stop all morning even thoughout church. I'm sure people were wondering what was wrong with me. I've beat myself up about our decision. Did we do the right thing? Were we supposed to have taken the chance with the surgery? Am I a murderer for chosing to end her life? Why is God punishing me yet again? Wasn't taking my mom so early in my life enough? Now my sweet Aspen is joining her early. I thought for sure since she was a small dog I'd have her till she was 14-15 years old. She was almost 9. 

For those of you that have followed my blog from the beginning, know how much Aspen girl was a part of my life. She was #1. Everything in our lives revolved around her. I never went anywhere until I came home first from work to see my dog. I never locked her in a crate for 7 hours a day because I felt it was inhumane. She went everywhere we could take her. I am trying to hard to remember all the good times. I wish we would of had caught this a year earlier. We had no idea her 'limp' she developed in the last year was probably related to the mass right there under her sternum. 

RIP Aspen girl. I don't know if I'll ever get over you. You were the best dog I've ever had. Everyone loved you. You had the sweetest disposition. You loved all people, all kids, and all animals. It doesn't get better than that. You never barked, never chewed, did nothing but love daddy and mommy unconditionally. What more could I ever ask for.