03 April 2016
I've struggled to find the words to write this post for months now. We've all seen it. The bombardment of social media in your face look at this read this of pictures and posts. The dark side is the side of feeling sad and depressed when viewing all the pregnancy, births, first birthday posts that we see on IG or FB of other friends and families happy announcements. While most of my friends have between 1-3 kids and more on the way, I struggle to even get pregnant once. No miscarriages no nothing.
So what is undiagnosed infertility mean? It means that two fertility doctors can't find a rhyme or a reason as to why we can't seem to get pregnant. In every woman a healty egg is not always released, does not always pick up the egg, the sperm does not always fertilize that egg, and a healthy embryo is not always formed. Increasing the number of eggs released, through fertility drugs and the number of sperm to meet the eggs, through IUI enhances fertility in a given cycle but doesn't guarantee success. Over the last 3 years we have done countless tests, IUIs, you name it. There's only one option left. IVF. The dreaded oh so expensive procedure that doesn't even guarantee a baby out of the whole thing. I've already gained 12 lbs in 3 years from all the fertility meds I've been on. It's been depressing.
A few months ago my husband's sister announced she and her fiance' are expecting their first child which hit us hard seeing how my husband is the oldest child in his family he always thought he'd get to be the first to give his mom a grandbaby.
The endless questioning of WHY NOT ME? WHY NOT US? What is God trying to say to us? My whole life, I have always been told that I would make a great mom. I've heard this more times than I can count. I've been everyone else's go to babysitter since I was 11 years old. I've always been good with kids. Even my former Principal upon my first year of teaching for him said I'm surprised you aren't a mom you'd make a great one! The kids love you! It's hard not to wonder well if I'm so great, why is this so difficult to become a parent?
Aside from the cost of in vitro, there's the religion factor which really concerns my hubby. He's Catholic, and the catholic religion doesn't believe in IVF. So what will it mean if we go ahead and do it, regardless of it being wrong and against our religion? Has anyone else dealt with a religion barrier in all of this?
Then there's the time factor....As in time is running out slowly. I'm 33 about to be 34 this summer. Women's eggs start to become "bad" and no good around the age of 37-38. It's been one hurdle after another. Am I only destined to be a fur momma? Maybe I am. I don't know what is God's will at the moment.
If you've read all of this, congrats, as many have probably given up on my blog postings as have I over the months.